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| Yeah. This is how old I feel. |
Before, when I was young, I couldn't wait for my birthday each year, eager to open my presents and throw an "off the hook" party (and by off the hook, I mean going to Palace Park *aka* Boomers to play ski-ball).
Nowadays, I dread my birthday. Not only does it mean turning another year older, but after a certain age, the true meaning of a birthday is this--the time when you compare where you thought you'd be at age x versus where you really are in life at age x.
Of course, there are birthdays when reality exceeds your expectations, but in my experience, these years are few and far between. Most of the time, my birthdays feel more like a 12-step addiction program than a birthday:
Step 1 - Admit I am getting older. Understand that I am powerless against time.
Step 2 - Reality is a bitch, ain't it?
Step 3 - Stare at the list of goals I made for myself last birthday. What the f*ck did I do all year besides watch The Walking Dead?
Step 4 - Refrain from the urge to shoot anyone I overhear saying, "Oh. My. God. I'm turning 24 next year, I'm soooo old!" or anyone who's birthday year doesn't even have an "8" in front of it.
Step 5 - Ahhh!!!! This is not how I thought my life would be at age x!!!! Forget the 6,000 square ft mansion and private yacht! I'll settle for just not having to split rent with a roommate(s) and not having to think anything more expensive than fast food is "fancy."
Step 6 - If you call me "ma'am" one more time, I will bust your face open!!!
Step 7 - Okay, okay, calm down. Let's be positive. Hey, I'm not that old. Those wrinkles around my eyes give me character.
Step 8 - Suddenly relapse by clinging onto my current age until the last possible second! Forget it! My life is over!!!
Step 9 - Fight off severe depression, followed by thoughts of "Ugh, why don't I just off myself?!"
Step 10 - Talk myself off the ledge by appreciating what I do have. Yeah, yeah, the glass is half-full. But we all know what it really is.
Step 11 - A promise to make this year count. This is the year where all my dreams are going to come true! (Yeah, right.)
Step 12 - Finally, a peaceful thought: Well, at least I have a whole year until I have to feel this way again.
But seriously, for me, even New Years Day doesn't compare to birthdays when it comes to "the benchmark test."
So, here are my birthday resolutions for this year.
1) DO MORE, NOT LESS
Nobody looks back and thinks, "Man, I should've done less!"
Most of the time, we look back and think, "I should've done more. WAYYYYY MORE!"
Even if it ended up being completely harmful, unhealthy, not beneficial in any way, balls-to-the-walls crazy, I can't really think of an instance--good or bad--when people regret doing so much. Usually, you just think, "Haha, back when I was young and silly. Those were good times."
Obviously, I'm not talking about running off to be a heroin junkie and sleeping in a dumpster every night, but you know what I mean...
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
2) DON'T LET THIS WORLD CHANGE ME
Life can get you down. No doubt about it. That's why everyone starts out as happy, easy-breezy, carefree children and grow up to become grumpy, cynical, old farts. The world sucks, but you don't have to.
This is probably the resolution I have to work on the most. I was born extra sensitive, with a caring heart, and an urge to help people. But over the years, my sympathy has plummeted like a bad stock.
I used to feel for people, but life has changed me. For my friends and family, of course, I still care. And for random people suffering/starving in whatever crappy, third-world country, and natural disaster victims, my heart goes out to you.
But for all you mortals in between?
Whatever! Get your sh*t together like everyone else had to do at some point.
That's what I started to think over the years.
I know my life is privileged compared to most, but it doesn't mean I didn't work my ass off to get to where I am, or that I haven't had my fair share of crappy stuff happen to me. I feel I made certain choices, and sacrificed a lot in order to carve a decent life for myself. And I started thinking, hey, if I could do it, anyone can do it if they're just willing to put in the work. Because really, if somebody really wanted to do something, nothing would stop them, no matter how hard it is. Everything else that gets in the way is just an excuse. This is the beauty of human nature, but since I've had this belief for such a long time, I just stopped caring. I wouldn't give money to a bum holding a puppy while exiting off a freeway. I'd pretend my iPod was suddenly really interesting while blasting the A/C and rolling up the windows to my Lexus.
It's sad. This isn't really who I am. I used to always give money to bums. Yeah, maybe they'll use it for drugs, but not all of them do. I shouldn't make every bum suffer just because some of them aren't model citizens.
A few years ago, I also made a promise to God and myself that if I was healthy, I'd give blood as much as humanly possible without fainting. It didn't happen.
So, hopefully, this year will be better.
3) REALIZE HAPPINESS DOESN'T ALWAYS LOOK THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO
We all had an idea of what our life would be like when we "grew up." Only to grow up and realize, OH CRAP! There are no grown ups! In fact, my parents are just as messed up as I am, they just hide it better! And I am just as messed up as I am!
Still, even though my life is nothing like how I imagined it would be at my age, I look around and realize I can't complain.
Sure, my family hasn't always been perfect, but if I stop focusing on the negatives, the good definitely outweighs the bad. The one thing I love about my family is they gave me the gift of laughter. Every family gathering, everyone in my family is always laughing and cracking jokes. As I get older, I feel lucky because of this.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the few I do have are definitely great people. On top of that, I have the luxury to just chill and even work on trying to be happy. Some people are struggling to eat, so "finding happiness" isn't exactly on their to-do list.
As much as I've hated my life at times in the past, I'm starting to change my outlook, and I hope it continues.
Being happy is so simple, yet can seem like the hardest thing in the world. But I realized my life doesn't have to be perfect in order for me to be happy. And just because I'm happy doesn't mean my life can't be happier. Happiness alone doesn't mean I've reached my end goal. It's okay to be happy and still strive for the things I've always wanted in life.
Well, I guess I'll see how I feel about all of this next year.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!
